A priest was preparing for a Funeral Mass. A young father of two children in their parish had died of a form of cancer that most people survive. His doctors and oncologist treated him as such until it became apparent that he was not responding to treatment. He was among the 2-3% who lived a brief 18 months with the disease.
When the priest met with his widow, she insisted that the priest and others giving a eulogy not say one phrase at the service. “Do not say, ‘He’s in a better place.'” When asked why, she responded. “Saying he’s in a better place denies the grief we’re feeling right now here. We want him back here in this place, and I want to remember him today for the ways he touched our lives here.”
For this widow, seemingly assuring words from Jesus in John 14, “I’m going to a better place,” were hurtful at the funeral Mass. But when can we use these words appropriately? Jesus teaches us how. Instead of waiting until after a loved one died, he prepared his disciples for grief with this assuring metaphor ahead of time.
In ancient Judaism, a groom prepared for a bride by adding a room onto his Father’s house. Depending on the topography, a home in a Jewish neighborhood would be terraced and constructed on the side of a hill. The foundation would be limestone rock, and a new “room” could either be built at the top of the slope or cut out of the side of the rock. When the room was ready, the groom would go to his fiancé’s home and take her to live with him and his Father’s family.
This wedding imagery provides the backdrop to Jesus’s farewell speech to anxious disciples. As faithful Jews, they were concerned about two issues: absence and access. They feared the impending departure of their teacher. Second, they worried as Jews if they had done enough to have access to God. Up to that point, they would have relied only on the Torah, festival worship, sacrifices, sabbath observance, almsgiving, prayer, food, and community to give them access to God. Could they trust that following Jesus while he’s alive and after he departs would be enough? So, following the meal, Jesus explains how continual obedience to him grants them ongoing access to God that the other tools have provided them. He treats their relationship like that of an ancient Jewish wedding. He prepares to see them again as a groom prepares for his bride. He builds a room to bring them to where he is at death. In the meantime, those who trust this process will not be troubled. They will understand how to approach the Father now. Instead of waiting for death, they don’t need the previous practices. Instead, they would view Jesus and his community as the portal and path to knowing God, the way to live, the truthful steps of integrity to follow, and the abundant life they longed for.
As pastors, we teach our parishes not only what to say to grieving people, but also teach dying people what to say to their loved ones before they die. “I’m going to a better place,” is one topic perfect for people anxious about the future. It starts a conversation about the end of life that leads to hope for the future after death.
Interested in more resources to assist with death and dying? Check out Funeral Homilies vol. 1-3. 30 homilies for a funeral mass, available via email or U.S. post office delivery.